It’s been a really tough day today. Woke up still sick, and then get a call from my mom telling me that a cousin I was very close with died this morning. I’ve been crying on and off today, and it’s pretty much been a blur since this morning/afternoon. Marcus and I packed up all our dinner stuff and the dogs and took it to my parents so we could try and aid their suffering with homemade tomato bacon bisque soup and reuben sandwiches. This was literally so sudden and unexpected that it took us all by surprise. On the bright side of things, Marcus will more then likely be clearing a $1,000 check next week. He’s been working so much that it’s been hard to find time to spend together, but we do what we can. But now we are back at home, showered, and I’m back underneath my cocoon of blankets and pillows. I’m probably going to end up either making myself some tea, or have Marcus make me a cup since my joints and muscles are still pretty sore. Anyway, I’m going to stop this here before another wave of tears. Thank you guys so much for all the love and support as always. Much love.
Happy mother’s day! We are at my parents house celebrating with my mom and oma today. I even got a card from Shatzie and Toby complete with a pawprint signature. I’ll leave the picture down below. What I really wanted to talk about and address this mother’s day though is the other types of mommies out there. There are fur mommies like myself who’s babies have four paws, mommies who have suffered the loss of having to give a baby back to heaven, and of course those of us who are trying to become mommies for the first time. Today is a day of appreciation for all mommies and we should include each and every one. Our time will come I promise. The journey is hard and trying. Through all the shots, temp taking, medication consummation, IVF, and so much more. I wanna especially thank my momma and my mom in law for being the best of the best. I love you guys and thank you so much for the unconditional love and support you’ve given. Anyway, I’m gunna continue to spend the day with my mommy. Thank you guys so much for all the love and support as always. Much love and happy mother’s day.
I hate feeling like this. I hate the sinking feeling of being in a fight. It wasn’t a good start to my day seeing as I’m sick and didn’t sleep well. I’m babysitting at the moment and I am just ready to go home. I hate being overly exhausted and sick. I know I’m probably ranting and sounding bitchy, but that’s just today. That’s just me in a nutshell today. I wanna crawl back in bed and sleep it all away. Damn you depression. Damn you anxiety. Damn all of it. It’s been a constant low test reading too and that’s just not what I wanna see or read. I’m ready for today to just be over. Anyway, I am needing to go chase after my godson. Thank you guys for all the love and support as always. Much love.
I’m going to take the time out on this post and breakdown what this title means. I don’t really think a lot of people understand what it really means to be married to someone in the food industry, which in this case is meaning Marcus. Now I understand there are much more difficult jobs out there then his, but he doesn’t have it easy. So, let’s take a look at it from his point of view first okay?
To start things off with, there are long hours, sleep deprivation, not being paid what you are worth especially for everything you do, burns, cuts, chemical burns, sore knees, tired feet, inconsistent schedules. Though, at the end of it all I go to work loving what I do, knowing I excel at what I do. Needless to say this is not easy work. Yeah, sometimes it’s glamorous, eccentric, posh (hon hon hon). Take an event, or more correctly a banquet, for example 10-600 people, prepping the protein needs to be done at least 2 days in advance, orders need to be placed (sometimes $2,000+ for a single event), produce needs to be selected, desserts cut and plated (sometimes salad too). When you are one of 2 people doing all that those 10-12 hr days start piling up. On top of all that we are not even considering the home life (yes it is hard to have one but it can happen). All the time that you are prepping, slicing, mincing, chopping, pureeing, and baking your family is at home missing you, for me that means Mariah, Toby, and Shatzie. I will say I miss them too. I have no time with them sometimes because it is wake up, work, go home, shower, eat, sleep, notice the no family time? (ya sorta get REALLY burnt out sometimes). For now I’ll stop bending your ear and hand you over to main lady of this blog so you can hear her side.
Let me give you some insite on what it’s like to pretty much not have a husband (granted I do, he just works a ton). Let’s take a day in the life of a breakfast shift shall we? It starts out with Marcus having to be at work by 5 am, so he needs to stay up all night. I’m usually up all night with him until about 4:45 am when he leaves for work, even 4:30 am sometimes. Then, I have to sleep in a Queen sized bed all by myself with the exception of two dogs, who don’t produce near the amount of body heat and or comfort that Marcus does. He then gets home between 11:30-2 or sometimes later if he works the whole day. I’m usually just getting up around noon or so when he decides to lay down to sleep the rest of the day. Then, it’s take care of both dogs, myself, remember to take my meds, eat something, clean the house, make dinner if he hasn’t brought anything home, find something to do, and then wake him up which usually takes 2 hours or more since he’s exhausted. Sometimes I barely get in a good morning kiss or a good night kiss because of not having the luxury of seeing him. Being a stay at home dog mom/wifey is not by any means easy, glamourous, or a damn luxury. There’s bills to worry about, a house to keep up, a fridge to keep stocked, and above all else missing Marcus like crazy. We don’t get date nights, and if and when we do it’s so we have time to grocery shop together. I appreciate every little thing he does for us don’t get me wrong. I just realize that there are so many people who see our situation and think we’ve got it easy. We don’t. It’s not. So all in all, there is your glimpse of our life, and that’s not even everything. Thank you guys for all the love and support as always. Much love.
Depression hit me hard today. I had to have Marcus make me into a sushi roll (he rolled me up in our comforter) to make me feel semi okay. I’m doing a little better now, but it creeps up every now and again while I’m doing something such as watching a movie or watching a stream on Twitch. Marcus is making me some homemade stew as we speak (which he just brought to me and it really good by the way), and he’s been really good about taking care of me while I’m like this. I’ve been in bed pretty much all day and maybe helped put away one load of dishes. I’ve had Toby, Shatzie, and Marcus snuggles as they try to help me get over this rut that I’m stuck in today. I know I’ll be okay, but for today I’m not, and I have to admit that to myself which is okay. It’s actually been super rainy today, which is a good day for soup and not such a good day for depression. So for tonight, I think I’m just gunna keep it on the down low and probably watch some more movies, test on my monitor, shower, and try to get to bed at a decent time. Thank you all so much for all the love and support as always. Much love.
Today is one of those days where I kinda want to get out and do something, but at the same time I kinda don’t. I’m having a bit of a struggle with myself today which really sucks. So far no anxiety attacks, but a few bouts of depression has come and gone. I get so frustrated with everything when I’m like this, so then I become grumpy. Today I feel like I’ve been put on the backburner, like I’m not as important to people as they tell me I am. Like 20 questions get so annoying and overplayed that I just don’t want to answer them anymore. I feel like my medication isn’t balancing me out enough or even working for that matter, but I know it is. My demons are out to play today, and I wish they would just go away. I’m not tired, but I feel so exhausted that I just want to crawl in bed and stay there. My niece is leaving today so I’ll be alone (with the exception of the dogs) until Marcus gets home and that frightens me. I absolutely don’t want to be left with my thoughts, but I don’t wanna go and burden someone else with them. I’m trying to find a way to deal with it all so I don’t have to have someone else deal with it for me. This is more of a rambling post I know, so if I bore you to tears I’m sorry. I’m constantly saying that I’m sorry for whatever I feel the need to be sorry for. Even though I shouldn’t be sorry, I am. I can’t help it. I don’t want to deal with people today. It’s too peopley outside, too bright outside, even too happy outside. I don’t understand how Marcus puts up with me when I’m like this. I don’t understand how I put up with me when I’m like this. Why can’t I just be a normal person who doesn’t have to struggle with all this bullshit? Why do I have to feel like I have to apologize for every little thing that happens? Anyway, I think I’m going to stop here before this becomes a billion pages of rambling. Thank you guys for all the love and support as always. Much love.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Now hear me out if you will. I’m so happy and excited for all of you wonderful ladies that are finding out about becoming a momma, or are already moms and such. As for me, I’m now officially on cycle day 90 and it is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to experience. Trust me, I’ve taken test after test and they’ve all come out the same. A big fat NO. I literally feel like I’m broken, like something inside of me is clawing away at all the hope I even have to conceive. Marcus and I aren’t even using any sort of protection! It feels like there are ladies out there who can just snap their fingers and boom, they’re pregnant. Once again, I’m happy for all of you and a huge congrats from us. But, it’s hard. It is so, so hard to plaster on that smile and that enthusiasm and play it off really well. All I’ve ever wanted was someone to call me mom that doesn’t have four legs and fur. Don’t get me wrong, I love my fur children with all that I am but it’s just not the same. I have to tell myself everyday that I will have a baby, which seems to be on repeat all damn day. It gets tiring, I’m frustrated beyond all belief. I really need people to just not tell me it will happen when it happens, because I already know that. I’m just so sick of hearing it. At this point in my cycle, I’m actually begging for my period now so we can have the chance to try again, and that’s so sad I feel like. And I hate when people tell me I’m not broken. Like, how do you know? Can you see my ovaries, uterus, and other parts? Do you have x-ray vision or some shit that I don’t have?! No offense to the people who have told me I’m not broken, at this point I’m starting to believe I am. And I swear, if I hear one more effing time “I think you have your moms problem”, I’m going to just sock said people/person saying it in the face. I love my mom, and I know the struggle she and my dad went through to have me. But, it wasn’t just one or the other who were having issues. It takes two to make a baby, okay? Anyway, that’s all I’ve been thinking about I guess. Thanks for all the love and support as usual. Much love.