It’s not pretty…

I’ve been super lazy today to tell you the truth. But, I do have a reason why, besides the migraine I’ve been battling on and off. As you know, I suffer from depression (I made a post about it awhile ago, so please refer to it for further info). On top of that, I have mild anxiety, which sucks beyond all belief especially when the two are mixed together. Like today for example. It’s been a constant battle with myself today, and so I figured I would make some sort of post about it. Mental disorders are not a pretty thing. It’s an everyday struggle to get up out of bed in the morning because my mind and body are telling me that’s a safe place and that nobody cares if I even remove myself from said safe place. It’s like two forces clashing in my brain, and meds make me drowsy and loopy so I don’t take them because then I won’t move at all. Having Shatzie and Toby dog is helpful, but sometimes I need the comfort of my own husband, who works all the time so he can’t always be here to hold my hand. Mental disorders are not supposed to be glamorized, but they are anyway so people are blinded by what they think is a beautiful thing. Well, I’m here to tell you it’s not. It’s the feeling of being so low and thinking nobody cares or loves you, but at the same time wanting to scream because you’re frustrated and don’t know why. It’s like drowning, but you’re not, gasping for air but you’re breathing just fine. I mean, I can fake it and put on a pretty damn good facade of a happy smiling 23 year old. But at home, Marcus sees the breakdowns, the struggle, the unexplained anger and tears. And you know what? He loves me for all of it, which I find hard to believe. What’s also hard is feeling like I’m broken, or something is wrong with me because everyone is pregnant BUT ME. Like, why don’t I get a effing turn?! Anyways, my point is that mental disorders, mental illness is not a beautiful thing. It’s tough. It’s demanding. And above all else, it’s frightening. But, I’m always here if you need an open ear. I’ll listen to you. I won’t judge, because majority of the time I can relate to you. I’m going to end this here and now. Thank you for all the love and support as always. Much love.


Author: growingupamerrick

Hello everybody! My name is Mariah, I'm 25 years old, married to my best friend, and have two amazing furbabies. I started this blog to fill you in on what goes on inside the Merrick household as well as our lives. We are also on our TTC (trying to conceive) journey, and I've got pretty regular updates on that. Hope you guys enjoy, and happy reading!

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